Lessons I Learned From My Father-In-Law

I know this may sound like a strange topic for a blog, but it seems natural to me. Especially while sitting in my mom-in-law’s kitchen while she’s out eating lunch with her granddaughter, my daughter.

I am alone. The house is quiet. It’s a good time to think and write. Papaw Switzer passed away a few months back. We all miss him. My relationship with my in-laws has never been strained from my viewpoint. (Probably was a few times from their vantage point!) In fact I have often visited and stayed with them when my wife was not even present. That’s the case today.

I was supposed to be at a conference in Nashville, but changed my mind and came to St. Louis. It wasn’t a hard or awkward decision, especially after my daughter, who is my travel assistant, came up with the idea. Mom Switzer has been going through the normal grieving process, and had hit a rough spot. So, it just seemed natural to pop in for a visit, especially since we were just a couple of hours away. My wife and my oldest daughter agreed enough with our plan to make all the necessary changes to airlines and car rentals, so here I am. For about 35 years I have been connected to this family. I remember my nervousness when I stood on the porch of the old parsonage and asked Dad Switzer for Jeannie’s hand in marriage. Hands down, the best decision I ever made. I hope by agreeing to our marriage he thought it was a good decision too!

Being here at their house without his presence has flipped the switch of my memories. So I thought I would blog about it, especially since I am pretty new at the father-in-law thing myself. My oldest daughter has been married for only 5 years, and I’ve got 2 more daughters to go!

I learned most of what I know about being a father from my Dad. But most of what I found myself modeling about being a father-in-law, I realized came from Dad Switzer. Maybe you are not a father-in-law, (yet)! Maybe you are not even a man. I still think these lessons I learned from Dad Switzer might help you cope with other relationships in your life.

1. Stay Out! Stay out of your kid’s marriage! Or perhaps, stay out of your friend’s marriage! Dad Switzer never interfered with our marriage. Looking back I am sure he had to bite his tongue many times. He probably even vented to Mom Switzer or others. But never to us. Unasked for advice is often unheeded advice. Everyone has to work out their own relationship. I know I am a totally different man than when I married Jeannie. Age either matures you or melts you. (Usually a little bit of both!)  If you are going to complain about things, complain to God. You’d be amazed at what He can do! Criticizing your children’s (or your friend’s) spouse may only alienate them from you. After all, they love them. Maturity may allow you to see some bumps ahead in the road, but experience is still the best teacher. Be there if the “bump” causes a wreck, but otherwise ‘stay out’! Even if they ask you, be careful what you say! When they make up (and they usually do) they will remember what you said long after they have forgiven the spouse. This is especially true if they, or you, in a stressful moment, tell the spouse what you said! Offer a shoulder to cry on, a tissue for tears, but just support for the relationship. Often the best thing you can say when things get tough, is simply, “I’ll support whatever decision you make”. Stay out of their house too! Don’t just ‘drop in’! That’s asking for trouble. If you’re invited, by all means go, but don’t be critical of their housekeeping or whatever! It’s not your house. Dad Switzer never ever interfered. I am trying to be like him now.
2. Stay In! I know, I know! I just said “Stay out!” But this is different! Stay involved in your children’s life! Ask what they are doing. Be interested in their plans. Do things with them. After all, there will probably come a day when there are grandchildren (or ‘god-children’) and trust me, you will want to be involved then. Plan lunches with just your child. And dinners with their spouse. Make time! Take time! Text them. Follow them on Twitter or Facebook! Whatever it takes, just stay involved. Attend conferences with them, sporting events, or weekend trips. Just because they are grown doesn’t mean they don’t like your attention or approval. A quick chat or text can brighten their day and help them through a rough spot. Find something their spouse is good at and encourage them. I even ‘retired’ from grilling when my son-in-law came along and was good at it. (Of course it helped that a unanimous family vote unseated me! They said I either burnt the steaks or they were raw. I don’t believe them! I loved it when there was crunchy black stuff on the meat!) When we were first married we often spent a great deal of time with Jeannie’s parents. We were in itinerant ministry and traveled continuously. In fact, Jeannie and I were married for over 5 years before we even had a place to call our own. We spent many days with the Switzer’s during those years. Dad Switzer was a pastor; he often had me speak for him. I’m sure it’s not because I was the world’s greatest preacher, especially at that age of my life! When I look back on some of the sermons I preached and things I said, I’m embarrassed! But my father-in-law made room for me. He stayed involved in our life. They often went with us places, and usually footed the bill. Later when we were pastoring in Louisiana, they often came down for events, or they used the events for an excuse, to see their daughter! Either way, we made memories, ones I’ll never forget.
3. Stay Put! And I don’t mean geographically. Stay put emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Be the best you that you can be. Stay put in your marriage. They are now watching you. They will remember the ‘fights’ they observed when they were young.  But they will now see the commitment they need when you are older and wiser. Admit to mistakes that you made when they were growing up. It will better help them deal with their own problems. Stay loyal to those you are accountable to, it sets a good model for your children. Don’t let every wind that blows by move you. Loyalty in friendships often portends loyalty in every area of life, including marriage. Stay loyal to your friends, your spiritual leaders, and your spouse. Don’t talk bad about any of them to your children! If you teach them disloyalty you may be sowing the seeds of ruin in their life or marriage. Dad Switzer worshiped the ground his wife walked on. That was made clear to everyone around. He really believed the adage that “if Mom ain’t happy, nobody’s happy”! He pastored the same church for 30+ years, until his health interfered and they then made him pastor emeritus. He stayed married to the same girl he met when in the Navy some 53 years earlier. Kept the same friends, only added new ones. It’s one thing to see your own family members model that, but another to see it in your in-law’s. I learned about loyalty from Dad Switzer!
4. Stay Strong! You shouldn’t be married to a person and divorced from their family. I have observed the Switzer family for over 3 decades now. I watched Dad Switzer when things were good and when things were bad. He never never got discouraged! I wish I could say the same about me. Regardless of what he was going through he always had faith that things would work out. Even when Parkinson’s had robbed him of much of his physical strength he stayed strong! I remember one time after he had not completely given up driving, but if anyone else was available to drive they did. He had to drop myself and my assistant off and drive the car back to his house a couple of miles away. I was concerned and asked him did he want my assistant to drive him back. He was normally stooped from the ravages of the disease, but he suddenly threw back his shoulders and with fire in his eyes he emphatically stated “No!” Then muttering for all to hear as he took the car keys and shuffled back to the drivers side he said “I’m not even dead yet and you wanta’ put me in the grave!” and with that he drove off, hunched over the steering wheel! His body may have been weak, but his will and spirit were still strong! Stay strong! Even when you feel weak! Dad Switzer would often break into some old song, usually some very 50’s church chorus. It was his way of saying “Don’t let life get you down! If life can’t steal your song it can’t affect your destiny!” Before his long tenure at the church from which he retired, he planted several churches. My wife tells me those were tough days. Not much financial support. Not much relational support. That didn’t matter to Dad Switzer. He was a man on a mission and would not be deterred. Whether you are a man or a woman, stay strong! Younger eyes are watching. Even when time or disease removes your physical strength, stay strong spiritually! Stay strong mentally! Not just for yourself but for the future. Discouragement is a highly contagious disease, don’t be a carrier!
5. Stay Fun! It might be worth mentioning that whenever Dad Switzer would breakout in song, he usually started tap dancing with it, especially if his grandkids were around. Despite what others thought about his demeanor he was one funny guy! He never could tell a joke, that was just not his sense of humor. But let something happen in real life, and he would laugh until he cried! His quips were so non-sensical they were hilarious. For no reason he would blurt out “Glory be, it’s caffeine free!”  Go figure! All I know is he kept us in stitches and his grandchildren loved him! You may not be given to blurting out whimsical sayings or tap dancing, but you can keep life fun. There is enough to burden down young marriages without us adding a depressing mood to them. I’m not saying that you pretend everything is perfect when it’s not, but I am saying ‘be a leader’! Make sure there is plenty of laughter when you are around. I am not sure what your view of Jesus is but I do know that the children loved him. They typically don’t like vinegar personalitied people! Did you notice that word “personalitied”? I made that up! Learned that from Pop Switzer too. I’ll never forget the day he looked outside and then announced to us “It’s sneeting!” When asked what that meant he nonplussed said “snowing and sleeting at the same time.” Pass on a legacy of levity! Laugh, play, swim, wrestle, and tickle those you love! Save some energy at the end of a stressful day for your family! Life is not about staying dry, “rain falls on the just and the unjust”, it’s about singing and dancing in the rain! Dance on Dad Switzer, your Parkinson’s can’t hold you back now.

Stay out! Stay in! Stay put! Stay strong! Stay fun! Perhaps you’ll be as good an in-law as Dad Switzer. May he rest in peace. His memory is one of blessing.